Why Couples Counselling?

Couples Counselling is a way of helping couples in times of difficulties and at times of crisis towards deeper and more satisfying relationships or, if necessary, a peaceful separation. Couples counselling offers a safe, confidential space away from family and friends where a trained counsellor can bring a fresh eye and a fresh perspective to problems that seem intractable. The counsellor will allow for both sides to air their grievances, without fear of retaliation, and help couples to explore new ways forward. The counsellor will often suggest that couples experiment with new ways of communicating, ways that can help relationships flourish and become sources of nourishment to all.

Signs of A Relationship in Difficulty

• You and your partner no longer communicate

• Arguments continually re-occur without resolution

• You or your partner no longer trust the other

• Sex has stopped or is causing problems

• Infidelity

• Violence

• Separation or divorce seem like the only option

Arguments and conflict occur in all relationships, they do not need to be destructive. With good will, trust and a readiness to listen to the other, they can be healthy and bring a sense of being alive to a relationship.   In the long run trying to avoid them is unhelpful, as it tends to lead to indirect anger, bickering and festering problems that  threaten to re-emerge later. Couples Counselling helps couples to develop ways of managing conflict and arguments, that allows each partner to be heard, differences to be acknowledged, and resolutions to be reached. In time trust and intimacy can be restored.

Sexual difficulties within a relationship can leave a partner feeling angry and dejected. They can highlight a difficulty within the relationship, be the result of a physical or medically diagnosed problem or be a sign of something  from the past that is intruding. Physical and medical problems, as well as problems form the past can disturb otherwise happy relationships and couples can be helped by counselling to come to terms with the issues and find ways forward.

Common Causes of Difficulty in Relationships

• Inability to negotiate a common future

• Destructive patterns of behaviour are unrecognised

• External pressures, such as work or the other persons family

• A breach of trust, such as an affair, a secret life

• Disagreements about money

• Different attitudes to sex, pornography

• Drug or alcohol misuse

• Debt

• The birth of a child

• Children leaving home

• Long-term illness

• Life changes

If there are two things a couple need to be able to do to thrive in a relationship it is understand each other and communicate. Without understanding, one person may dominate and  the other person end up resentful and submerged. It is important that each person’s past experiences, expectations and values are acknowledged and accepted for communication to be successful. This involves being able to handle anger and disagreement constructively rather than destructively. Our ways of handling anger and disagreement were often learned while growing up. Counselling offers the opportunity to learn new skills with regard to handling differences, disagreements and arguments which in turn creates the opportunity for more satisfying and loving relationships.

The Right Time for Couples Counselling

Couples come to Couples Counselling when their relationship reaches a point when they are no longer able to resolve their difficulties for themselves. Sometimes they are just stuck, unable to find a way forward themselves, at other times they may be engulfed in a crisis, such as an affair, the discovery of a secret debt or some other event that shatters trust between them. Couples Counselling can help couples find ways forward, to start to heal, to find trust again and to work out what to do.

Couples Counselling Can Help By

• Allowing destructive patterns of relating to be recognised, including violence and abuse

• Replacing destructive patterns of relating with constructive ones

• Improving communication

• Teaching new relationship skills

• Examining the impact of life changes

• Providing a safe space away from family and friends to sort out your relationship

When relationships break down, staying connected becomes difficult, it becomes hard to see or listen to the other person, particularly if what is being said seems unbearable. Yet, it may be necessary to bring the unbearable out into the open in order for both parties to be able to move on, find a future again together, rekindle love or, as sometimes happens, separate peaceably.

This can feel easier and safer to do in a neutral space with a trained counsellor present than at than it might at home. The Counsellor can help you develop the skills to listen to the other and communicate what you each want effectively and if there is good will on both sides find a future again together, one that is perhaps deeper and more meaningful than before.

How Couples Counselling Works

The couple will always meet their counsellor for the first time together and each will get a chance to tell their story, while the other listens in the first session which is an hour and quarter long. This gives the couple a chance to clarify and agree what the problem is and how they want to work. There after an agreement will be made together, as to the number of sessions required, usually between six and eight, but sometimes more and sometimes less.

Tips for Successful Couples Counselling

• Both parties need to be committed to the process. Couples Counsellors are not magicians who can fix or rescue relationships. A partner who is reluctant to attend will often sabotage any chance of progress.

• It is good to choose the counsellor together, so you both are clear about your commitment.

• Don’t be disappointed if your counsellor fails to take your side and point out all your partners failures. It is not their job and it would destroy any chance of success. The counsellor is there to be neutral and non-judgemental to help you sort out your problems together.

• Remember in Couples Counselling it is patterns of relating that are the problem, not you and not your partner.

• Remember seeking Couples Counselling together is not a sign of failure, it is a sign of commitment to the love that brought you together in the first place. A commitment to learning how to communicate in ways that enrich each other and lead to long term satisfying relationships. That commitment means hard work, Couples Counsellor’s are not magicians who wave a magic wand for all to be well.

Costs and Duration

• Counselling Conversations for Couples cost £55*.

• Counselling Conversations last for 50 minutes unless otherwise agreed.

*The full fee will be payable unless 48 hours notice of cancellation is given, this may be waived at the discretion of Counselling Conversations